Showing posts with label tickling my funny bone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tickling my funny bone. Show all posts

Saturday, April 18, 2020

The First Lines of Emails I've Received While Quarantining

I don't know why this poem makes me giggle so hard (written/posted by @jessica_salfia on twitter)...it's not like it's that funny. Nonetheless, I'll leave this right here. Sorry it's blurry:

In other news, Chasing Echoes was selected for a featured promotion for Book Bub! I'd love to say they just recognized it's awesomeness and chose it right away, but...no. The book was rejected several times prior, so maybe it finally had enough reviews to be taken seriously. Or maybe it's because Black Lilies is out, and having two books makes you appear more legitimate as an author. Or maybe I just finally wore them down. I don't care, I'm just thrilled it was finally accepted.

Semi-related-but-not-really, this commercial just now came on while I was typing:



Tearjerking stuff, right? ðŸ˜‚ 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

5 Things I Shouldn't Have to Learn but Did Anyway

I found this post (or what looked like the start of a post) in my drafts, and since I'm desperate to squeeze in an entry before the next WIP Report (I swear my blog is hanging on that one last flimsy thread for its very survival), I'm going to copy/paste it below:


Five Things I Learned in Teaching this Week

  1. If you period-sub for a moderate-to-severe special ed. class, be prepared to have your hair petted for 47 minutes by kids who regard you like you're an exotic unicorn.
  2. If a student says "I think I'm going to die" after running the monster mile in P.E., responding with "We have a lot to cover today...can you hold off dying until you get to Mr. C's class?" is probably not the most compassionate response.
  3. ALWAYS expect your iPad to be on the wrong Pandora playlist. If you think you're getting ready to play soft, tranquil mood music during Silent Sustained Reading, fully expect Wiggle by Snoop Dog to blast instead.
  4. Telling your writing enrichment class about your idea for a character who is a sadistic empath might leave them frozen, wide-eyed, and a little terrified of you.
  5. If a student asks "Mrs. P., what is the definition of the word arousal?" do not attempt to answer. You will fail miserably. Let Webster handle that discussion.

~ ~ ~

I'm sure this post was going somewhere, but since it was from about six months ago, that's all I've got.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Art of Unsexiness


This is a clip of Carrie Heffernan on King of Queens, attempting to pole dance for Doug. It is painful to watch. Poor Carrie has no idea how to be seductive. Sadly, she reminds me of me. Not because I've pole danced before (I haven't. Not on purpose). But because I am the unsexiest person. Okay, this is only amusing because, like Carrie, I have a relatively fit body that should lend me at least a little sex-appeal, but my clumsiness and general lack of seductive know-how (or whatever you call the female equivalent of 'game') totally detract from that.

Last night was a perfect example of this. I decided to try on three sets of lingerie Clint had ordered for me. While I tried on each piece inside the bathroom, he sat waiting, ready to enjoy my fashion show. The following is more or less what he heard through the bathroom door:

Okay, babe, I'm trying on the first one...
(banging noises, cupboard doors slamming) Almost there...
Wait--why is there an extra hole?
Damn it--
(more banging) Okay, I think I've got it...
Crap, where am I supposed to put THAT?
No, this isn't right...
You're still there, right?
(muttering) If I put this leg here, and that one here...Okay, GOT IT.

*Saunters out gracefully like the whole process was a breeze*

At least I didn't hurt myself through this process by, I dunno, stabbing myself with a knife or something. Oh wait--YES I DID. Lingerie attempt #2 went something like this:

Alright babe, I'm putting on the second one...
Oh, this one is really cute!
Hold, on, I just have to figure out how to strap this thing-a-ma-jigger...
Oh, I think I got it...
Wait--why the hell would they put a tag there? No, no, no, that's a terrible spot for a tag. Do you have a knife...? I need to cut this sucker off...
(knife passed through door) (banging) Babe, you need to sharpen this knife. It's completely dull--
(giant bang)
FUCK.
(metal object clatters to floor)
(hubby cries out "Are you okay?")
(pause) (then singsong voice) Yeah, everything's going great!
(more slamming, clanking)
Um, do we have any band-aids?

*Saunters out gracefully again, looking hot as all get-out in skimpy lace garments accessorized with massively bloody thumb*

I never did get to lingerie attempt #3. By this point I was worried I'd burn the house down.

Maybe I should take lessons from Doug?


I swear the dude would get more tips than I would.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Who Let the Dog Out?

So yesterday I was in my classroom, getting all of my stuff together for the State Writing Test, when my phone rang.  It was the front office.  The following conversation commences:

"Hi Mrs. P., your dog is here."
"Huh?"
"Your dog is here."
"Wait--what do you mean my dog is 'here'?  Define here."
"Here, in the office."
"Um, well, okay.  I'll be right down."

I then proceeded to the office, where I found Cleo--my rambunctious drooling Great Dane--bouncing around in the counseling department, making friends with students and staff alike.  Now normally I would have had a campus aid cover my class for twenty minutes while I dragged my sorry mutt home (in a universe where this situation is considered "normal").  But that morning I was administering the State Writing Test, a process which requires us to watch a video and sign an affadavit in advance.  Today was the one day that a campus aid could not watch my class.  Since running home wasn't an option, one of our secretaries grabbed my keys and my daughter, and the two loaded Cleo into her Jeep and took her back home.

Oh, Cricket and Yang got out too, and also showed up at my school.  The only difference is they didn't hang out like Cleo.  They got tired of campus life pretty quickly and ran back home.  The secretary brought Cleo home and put her in the chicken coop area in our backyard, but put the two smaller dogs in the house, knowing that they would probably get out again.  I gave her my blessing in all of this, but there was a good two hours where I was stressed, wondering what kind of havoc the dogs were wreaking in my house.  They've been in the house countless times when we're home, but never by themselves.  I was imagining trash spilled throughout the house, an upturned bird cage, a chewed up couch....

As it turned out, the only thing that was out of place were a couple of Elijah's toys and a block of dehydrated Top Ramen on the living room rug.

Later my sister-in-law checked on the dogs, and she found Cleo running down the street with our cat.  She then took all three dogs back to her place until Clint got off of work.

Upon investigation, it looks like one of the smaller dogs dug out, the other followed, and--seeing those two flaunt their freedom in the front yard--Cleo jumped the fence.  As far as what prompted Cleo to run all the way to my work and into our front office, either a) I have a very strong chemical trail, or b) She followed a student as he walked or rode his bike to school. 

A little concrete and chicken wire we *think* have resolved these issues.

Here's Cleo at eight weeks old....


Does that look like the face of a trouble maker?

Here's Cleo, a little more grown up.  This picture was taken on January 30th, so she was about four-and-a-half months old.


She turns six months old next week, so she's significantly bigger now.  She still puts her giant head and paws on my lap, but the rest of her has to stay on the floor. 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Quest for Cuffs

With Clint's birthday approaching, I had decided to buy him a pair of handcuffs as a silly add-on gift.  I thought they might be handy for...his earthquake emergency kit.  Yeah.  Because if there's ever a natural disaster and someone tries to steal your food, you might need to restrain said-person with handcuffs.

So I went on Amazon and searched out furry cuffs (because even emergency kit food-thieves would appreciate soft fuzzy comfort in bright pink, right?).  But all of the furry cuffs got bad reviews.  A lot of people said they broke after only one time of use.  I was disappointed by this.  Even though this was just a novelty gift, I still wanted something with a little more quality than a toy you could buy from the 99 Cent Store.  I finally gave up on furry cuffs (sorry future food thief) and ordered a pair of simple, stainless steal cuffs that had over two hundred 4- and 5- star reviews.  I decided to have them shipped to my mother-in-law's house to avoid Clint being privy to his gift.  They were to arrive in a plain box, so I wasn't worried about her being in on my purchase. 

The day after I placed my order, Clint's mom called and asked if she could order something through our Amazon account.  We're Amazon Prime members, and she wanted the free shipping.  Clint told her "sure."  I didn't think anything of it.

Later, I dropped the kids off at her house, and she asked.  "So when are your handcuffs supposed to arrive?"

I think my mouth probably hit the floor.

Apparently when she went to place her order through our Amazon account, it showed her my most recent purchase.  I was quick to tell her that Clint needed them for our earthquake kit.  I'm sure the nodding head on her part was complete, utter belief. 

Later on that night, Clint went to check his e-mail when he burst into uncontrollable laughter.  When he finally was able to stop, he said, "Uh, honey...?"  He turned his laptop to face me, and there it was.  A giant picture of handcuffs with the bold print words: "You're item has been shipped!"

So yeah, I obviously didn't realize he received shipping notifications from Amazon.  And I officially need to work on my ninja skills when it comes to keeping gifts on the down-low.

On the plus side, the handcuffs arrived last week, and they are just perfect for our...earthquake kit. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Boring Day Challenge


I hereby dedicate the following boring day to my esteemed colleague, Mr. Moore.

Two weekends ago I woke up, fully alert.  The clock read 7:28.  I decided there was no way in hell I was getting up at an hour beginning with a '7' on a Saturday, so I fell back asleep.  Sometime later, I woke up again.  It was now 8:42.  I decided there was no way I was waking up at an hour beginning with an '8' on a Saturday, so I fell back asleep.  Sometime later I woke up again.  It was now 9:51.  I trudged out of bed, feeling proud that I managed to get myself up before the hour reached the double-digits. 

A pile of laundry greeted me at the foot of my bed.  I ignored its greeting.

Bleary-eyed from too much sleep, I meandered out to the couch.  I hopped on the internet (because that’s my coffee on a Saturday morning) and hit the “like” button on a few random facebook updates—not because I actually liked them, or even read them for that matter, but because I think it’s important to be supportive of my friends even when I don’t particularly care about their lives (see why people line up for miles to be my friend?).       

After my mad liking-spree, I stared at the clock for a while, wondering if I should wake up my kids who were now sleeping well into the double digits.  I decided to give them another half hour because waking up the kids meant that…well…I’d have kids.  While staring at the clock, I noticed that the minute hand was seven minutes fast.  Then I thought for a second that maybe the minute hand was just fine, and I had actually jumped seven minutes into the future.  If I was in the future, I thought it might be a good idea to gather as much information as possible to take back to my own time.  Unfortunately while I was contemplating what information I should gather, seven minutes passed, and I was back in my own time period again.  Strangely though, the minute hand was still ahead.

Once I finished analyzing the clock, I decided to make French toast and over-medium eggs, because it’s one of the two meals in this world I can cook.  I cracked open the first egg.  It was hard-boiled.  I cracked open a second egg.  It was hard-boiled too.  At this point I thought that maybe I should do the “spinning test” on egg #3 to make sure it wasn’t hard-boiled.  So I did, and it flew right off the counter onto the tile floor.  It was raw.  Well at least the test worked. 

After the dog licked up the egg, I made my over-medium eggs and French toast.  We were out of syrup, so I melted jelly and told the kids (who finally woke up) that it was specialty syrup.  Like the blueberry syrup you get at IHOP, but grape-flavored instead.  They looked skeptical.

I spent the rest of my fascinating morning in my jammies, eyes glazed over, staring at a computer screen and wishing I had a robot that would grade all my papers and make me look ten years younger.  I'm not sure how my robot would make me look younger...let's say it's a robot with a magic wand. 

And that concludes my boring day.

Okay, I realize that this technically was only a boring morning, but seriously, I haven’t experienced an entire boring day since 1996.  So this is about as good as it gets.

Mr. Moore, I better get a cookie for this. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Lazy Entry

I have lots of stuff to talk about (recent 5k, camping trip to Yosemite, new summer job), but I just don't have the steam to blog lately.  And since that lazy sister of mine isn't contributing either, here's some quick video clips just to keep the blog from going stagnant.

I love it when characters of non-musicals unexpectedly burst out into song or dance, and these two make me laugh so hard.




I'll try to post something real later this week. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Feta and Frappé



I think I mentioned in a prior post that we bought goats?  Well, here they are:  Feta and Frappé.  We named both of them after Greek dairy products.  There was no rhyme or reason to that.  

Sooooo...life with goats.  It's definitely not for the pet-wary.  Feta's not too bad.  She's very sweet and shy.  The problem is, she's a lemming who does everything Frappé wants to do.  And Frappé (who has somehow been dubbed "my" goat) is a trouble maker.  She thinks she's a mountain goat and climbs every thing.  It started off small, like climbing the dog house:


Or sometimes she'd climb IN the doghouse:


But then her conquests got bigger.

On the plus side, having two mischievous goats does generate lots of social networking conversations:

Anyone know how to get two goats off of a Jeep?




  • AngieBeverly, and 9 others like this.



    • Kelly You look at them and say "get off my jeep." because of their intelligent goat brains, they should be pretty understanding and politely leave.
      7 hours ago ·  ·  1


    • Kelly Then you back hand them and use profane language! You're the boss!
      7 hours ago · 

    • Jodi So we just went from politely conversing with the goats in true goat-whisperer fashion, to opening up a can of whoop-a#$ on them? Dang Kelly, I'm going to come to you for advice more often!
      7 hours ago · 

    • Penny Lol! Too funny!
      6 hours ago · 

    • Sarah I love reading about your adventures...keep them a comin' ;)
      6 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Alec you pick them up and move them
      6 hours ago · 

    • Jodi I don't think I have a choice Sarah--those adventures are coming with or without my approval. ;) Alec, care to demonstrate? 
      6 hours ago · 

    • Maria food
      5 hours ago · 

    • Jodi As in, bribe them with food, or turn them into food? Both seem to be viable solutions. 
      5 hours ago · 

    • Maria I was thinking "bribe" but goats make delicious "Birria"
      5 hours ago · 

    • Jodi Good to know! If these two end up trampeding around on my roof, I might have to start looking into some delicious Birria recipes.
      5 hours ago · 

    • Linda A fishing pole with a tin can tied to the end ;-)
      5 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Michael Shot gun. They'll either move or you'll have dinner. :)
      5 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Steve The obvious answer - start driving the jeep... and hit some bumps along the way.
      4 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Bob Very carefully.
      4 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Steven Drive really fast then stop.
      3 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Sandy for real?
      3 hours ago · 

    • Richard You need to build somthing higher than the Jeep, because goats like to get on the tallest item around. Next they will be on top of your house.
      3 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Doug They're so cute! May want to give them names? Billy Joe, Billy Bob? Just saying, it's not everyone that has goats on top of their vehicle.
      3 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Doug Hey! Awesome! There's two of me!!
      3 hours ago · 

    • Jodi After carefully considering all of your wonderful suggestions involving tin cans, speed bumps, and shot guns, we opted to SLOWLY drive the jeep (Steven and Steve) until the girls jumped down. Now they're happily resting. On top of our hot tub.
      3 hours ago · 

    • Steve Yay! What do I and the other Steven win? (Stevens are awesome btw)
      2 hours ago · 

    • Jodi You have earned the honor of using your dragon warrior skills to get two goats out of a hot tub. And yes, Stevens are pretty awesome.
      2 hours ago · 

    • Sara Awesome!
      2 hours ago · 

    • Sara By the way only at your house would I see this! Lol
      2 hours ago ·  ·  1

    • Sarah Lol that is a predicament! Did you get them down?

    • Alec again i say pick them up. i had some goats follow me for a mile to my house and we had to rescue them from the pool a few times

    • Jessica Lol

    • Jodi Sarah, I gave up and took a nap. They're very possibly still enjoying the view from the hot tub. Alec, I don't think I have the upper body strength (nor the motivation) to man-handle goats.

    • Naomi Isn't there a book about that? Oh, no! I'm thinking of Sheep in a Jeep -- you've got Goat on a Jeep! The sequel?
      10 minutes ago ·  ·  1

    • Jodi Too bad it wasn't a goat on a boat--would've made for a catchier sequel!


  • I also gained four new followers on twitter when I posted this pic, so apparently livestock trampling on top of SUVs is an overall crowd-pleaser.

    Any chance we can keep these two a secret from our neighbors long enough for our permit to clear through the city?

    Yeah, didn't think so.  We're screwed.